I think about 85% of people are decent. Not perfect, mind you, but pretty good people. That leaves 15% who slide around on the Ahole Scale from Occasionally Ahole to that 4% who are pervasively and Consistently Ahole; that is, totally selfish. They are haughty, condescending and don’t care who gets hurt as long as they get their way. I think we would agree, those are Aholes.
I’ve only known three of these venomous women in seventy years, so I don’t think there are many out there. They all deeply hated me, although they didn’t know me well and I did nothing to them but exist. Isn’t that strange? I seemed to be a mortal threat to them, at least that’s how they acted. Yet I never considered harming them before they attacked me. After they attacked me, I chose to avoid and ignore them, which made them more furious. They even looked alike, but maybe it was that sour expression on their faces.
Elizabeth was an over boss, a professor at a large university. I was an underling for sure. She called a group of us underlings down to campus and proceeded to rage at us for not purchasing supplies for the program. We were incompetent and terminally lazy. Spit flew from her lips she was so angry. When she stopped to catch her breath, I pointed out that we had no purchase orders or accounts through which to buy anything.
She wheeled on the accountant and spit venom on him. Why did he not give us these things? He was obviously incompetent and lazy. As it turned out, it was her fault, but malignant narcissists never admit that and they never apologize.
My boss told me she was gunning for me. “But why?” I asked. “I haven’t done anything to her.” “She just does that,” he said. “She picks someone out and hounds them out of a job. It’s kind of her hobby.” She eventually succeeded, but I got a better job.
Joann was a shriveled old spider, a pillar of the community who ran a homeless charity. I was told by a former employee that new hires lasted about a month on average. But I’m an optimist. I was hired at mid-level management, with lots of paperwork. For the first month she insisted I scrub toilets in homeless cabins in 95 degree heat. Then she rebuked me for not getting my paperwork done! Finally I was allowed back on the paperwork and she sneaked in at night and went through my waste basket. Looking for what?
One day a deaf, homeless mom came with a priest interpreter. Joann showed her a place and we stood on the porch and Joann said, “These homeless-they are the scum of the earth.” I looked pleadingly at the priest, thinking, “Please don’t interpret that!” He did not. Joann and her hubby also took the best furniture donations for themselves, stored them in warehouses, and gave the junk to the homeless.
No time for lunch, no breaks. I got an interview for another job, was hired and returned to the homeless place, where they told me I was fired for leaving the job without permission. I had permission, it was even written on the office calendar. They wrote up a termination paper and told me to sign it. I slid the paper back across the desk and said, “I’m not signing that. It’s not true.” They looked absolutely terrified. Have all their previous victims signed their crap?
Kathleen came to the art co-op I started. She obviously felt superior to everyone, but artists sometimes pack inflated egos, so I figured I could work with it. After about three days, she attacked. She said I was harming the members, I was invading their privacy by hanging their art work, I was intruding on her space. I was an awful, awful human being. “Gee, Kathleen, if I’m harming these folks, I should leave.” She leaned forward and spit, “I THINK THAT’S A GOOD IDEA.”
She would not discuss anything. She would shriek and then say, “This conversation is OVER.” She attacked me several times, accusing me of more and more awful things, like stealing, using members to elevate myself, and using people’s space. We shared space and had always had a happy, productive group. Meanwhile, she’s syrupy sweet to other members, the wicked witch trying to recruit flying monkeys. She got one flying monkey who also ‘was concerned’ I was stealing! I actually invested $1,200 of my own money to start the co-op. I don’t steal from those I dislike, never mind people I love.
THEN when I was out of state visiting my family for the holidays, she contacted me up there to tell me how awful I was and how everybody thinks so. This was bald-faced lies, but it did upset me and I had wanted to have fun with my family. So I resigned as director of Suwannee River Studio.
The thing about a malignant narcissist is that they won’t ever change. They won’t listen. They won’t ever admit they were wrong. The best thing for a healthy person to do is to get to hell away from them.
Dr. Les Carter has a good video series on Surviving Narcissism. If you think you are involved with one
1). I feel you-take care of yourself.
2). Watch these videos and know that you’re not alone.